Yates' Wine Lodge

Well the long awaited Yates's review is here. Sorry to say its slowly gone downhill since the old venga bus pick up days.

Ale- 2/5 as it always does in yates's, barrels bought in bulk at auctions just days before its due to be off... but because its so busy they can always shift it. Therefore lacking in taste.

Toilets- These are the worst toilets so far . 1/5 You can just about manage a piss. Dont even think about going in the cubicles, we all know that if you need a shit and your in yates's then you go next door to the Wetherspoons. and the surfboard is not necessary there. You can get away with the "3 peice upside down U". *

Staff- Not ugly but no pot noodles.TV's- Big screen, and quite a few big plasmas.. 4/5

Decor- 3/5 only gets a 3 because it has some comfy couches otherwise this would have been a 2

Overall 7/10 - this high score is only due to the amount of people the place attracts of a weekend.

*3 peice upside down u- this is 3 peices of bog paper about 12 inches long. put on the bog seat making the letter u

The Merton (Merton Road/Stanley Road) 4/1

The Merton......"built on the site of a clap clinic you know?" This is the kind of place you loved when you were 16-19 but is it still worth visiting? With outside seating overlooking Bootle Magistrates Court, it's very pleasant in the summer. Regy even drank his first pint of Wifebeater in here - but how was it when we visited?

Decor: 2/5 - Millions of cue-sized holes decorate the ceiling above each pool table. they've been there for years. There's more Liverpool photos than Everton photos.
Staff: 2/5 - It used to be staffed by lazy young people, now its staffed by old people who took (at least) 5 mins. to find Grolsch" on the till.
Ale: 2/5. - Yes they do swing-top Grolsch bottles but the draught has always been of a poor standard.
Toilets: 1/5 - Urinal hasn't been changed in at least 5 years and is now sellotaped together. Cubicles are grim also.
TV: 2/5 - A small big-screen (if thats possible) and not enough normal screens to fill the place.

We visited when a Liverpool match was on but there was still not much of an atmosphere. There's 2 pool tables at £1 a game. The DJ stuff was still in there so we assume they still have good dance nights. Still one for the youngsters we think.

Overall: 5/10

The Walnut Tree (Orrel Road) 2/1

The Bootle Pub Guide apologise in advance for the following review. We were slightly pissed when we visited The Walnut and spent all of our time testing the fruit machine. We visited on Saturday night (i think) and it was karaoke. It was pretty dead and people getting up to sing "The Drugs Dont Work" didn't really liven things up much.

Ale: 2/5 - One swig of lager gave Regy the hiccups for the rest of the evening preventing him from drinking any more. Coke tasted like shit.
Staff: "Roccos Modern Life" (whatever that means)
TV's: 0/5 - they didn't have one that we could see
Atmosphere: "Bunch of chins" (whatever that means)
Toilets: 1/5 - Live wire hanging out of the light. Piss was disintegrating the floor.

The staff were friendly and the person running the karaoke was a girl and not some stupid idiot - so that was good. There might be a telly......fuck knows. We got more than what we put in off the fruity so it wasn't all bad.

Overall Score: 2.5/10

The O.D.V.A 1/1

...........stands for The Oriel District Veterans Association. As the name suggests, they spend Saturday nights playing Bingo in the huge main room. We had to pay £1 each to get in but this was made up for in the back room where you can play Pool for just 30p.

• Age: Old, old old!
• Ale: 2/5 - XXXX, Stella or Fosters? Dodgy bottles of Becks also available.
• Barstaff: 2.5/5 - All ropey apart from one.
• TV: 2/5 - One TV in each room.
• Toilets: 1/5 - "Smells like OAPs nappy"

Mark dropped a tenner and the feller on the next table (eventually) returned it. So that was nice but one visit was enough for Regy.

Overall: 3/10

Saint Monica's Club (Fernhill Road)

With stories of school children swearing in class and beating up teachers in the playground, this place is surely a natural progression; a school converted into a pub. We've been told that £500,000 has been spent on this place. With a small bar room, a large function room, a darts tunnel and snooker tables upstairs, this place is well worth checking out for a few quiet drinks.

Age: 30 and over
Decor: 4/5 Everything is brand new and you can still smell the paint.
Ale: 4/5 - Great but not real Guiness.
Barstaff: 4/5 - Friendly
Toilets: 5/5 - Just make sure you're wearing your shades.
Atomsphere: Friendly but quiet. Seemed like the people in the function room were having a better time than us but we weren't allowed in.

Overall: 7/10

Maggie May's 30/12

Regy thought it would still be OK in here - he is wrong. Apparently, not even the workers from the Giro drink in here any more.

Ale: 1/5 Barely drinkable
Toilets: 1/5 No bog seat
TV's: Shit
Atmosphere: Dead
Average Age of customers: He was in his 50's
Barstaff: Find one. Would rather play darts than serve.

Too near Dodge. IF YOU GO IN HERE, YOU ARE OLD AND LOST.

Overall: 2/10

The Harlech Castle 30/12

We have differing opinions on this County Road pub. One of us reckons there's always arguments going on in here. But one of us has experienced nothing but love. Last time we visited, there was a bouncer with a bucket demanding everyone throws money in for them. After rummaging for some shrapnel we were granted admittance.

They have a few tellys and a big screen (showing basketball on a dodgy channel). It gets ridiculously packed on EFC matchdays and has decent music of a Saturday night. i think they do some good shots aswell.

Age: 20-50
Decor: Split*
Ale: 3/5 No problems at all.
Barstaff: 4/5 Usually very good. At least 17 people serving on matchdays.
Toilets: 1/5 No lights in the gents. Surboard technique ESSENTIAL.

Overall: 3/10

*Split Decor = i can't remember what this means....

The Mons (née The Hilltop)

Situated in the ideal place to pop in for a quick bevvy on your way to or from the match*, The Mons is a massive pub split into 3 areas:

1: Bar Area - large, with comfy couches and loads of seats. Lots of tellys that show different games simultaneously. Didnt they used to have a pool table?.......
2: Restaurant Area - Knives and forks available, just ask the staff.
3: The Wacky Warehouse - Even though people having a drink in the bar wouldn't be seen dead entering the Wacky, kids (fresh from the ballpool) can often be found running around looking for their mums and generally just being annoying.

Ale: 4/5 Even Fosters tasted good when we visited.
Toilets: 3/5 Good. No surfboard required. Childs Urinal.
Bar Staff: 2/5 Always too busy to serve us.
Local Nutter: EFC Brian

Overall Score: 5/10

*The Match = Everton OR Liverpool. The Bootle Pub Guide are not biased in their choice of pubs or local soccer teams.

The Albion (Hawthorne Road) 29/12

The Albion. What can we say? We chose this as our first place to review because......well......we could park the van outside without getting a ticket. This is a traditional* but clean pub with enough screens (inc. the skinniest widescreen ever) to make this a good place to watch the match.

We visited on a Saturday night when it had a lively but relaxed atmosphere and a DJ who was playing 70's shite to punters aged 30-40.

Ale: 4/5
Good lager (i.e. decent Carling) but no Holsten Pills only Becks!!!
Toilets: 2/5 Surfboard method required
Bar Staff: Friendly but no Pot Noodles**
Local Nutter: n/a

Overall Rating: 6/10

*Traditional Pub = Ordinary pub
**Pot Noodle = a Hottie to wank over later with your Pot noodle

Welcome!!!

Hello and welcome to 'The Bootle Pub Guide'.

We are just 3 Bootle lads who were bored of internet pub guides always banging on about old fashioned interiors and Real Ale, and who thought we'd write our own guide based on the following important criteria;-

does the Lager taste like shite?-do the bogs stink of piss?-will you get your head kicked in?

Hopefully, we can provide answers to these questions and more as we bring you........THE BOOTLE PUB GUIDE [REDUX]