Completing our trilogy of dodgy boozers, we made it all the way up to Hawthorne Road for yet another Sunday karaoke session. Ignoring a fat policeman that had stopped his car to threaten a group of kids ("Get lost! Or i'll bang your heads together.......) we were relieved to see that the usual gaggle of scally teenagers that constantly stand in the pubs doorway were absent, leaving us free to enter.
Ale 2/5 - Fosters or Kronenberg
Decor 3/5 - Clean and tidy. Curtains and couches match.
Toilets 1/5 - Half the wall is missing.
Age - 30-50. (18 and dressed all in black if you're standing in the doorway)
Karaoke - Bad singers but better than in Swift's.
More mock brawling.This time by adults! What's the big deal about wrestling eachother on the carpet in a room full of pissed people? Anyway, the only other thing of interest was constant talk of whether someone called Russell Simmons is dead.
If you know the answer, or you ARE Russell and can prove that you are still alive, please get in touch!
Overall Score - 3/5
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
The Victoria Hotel (Miranda Road)
Wow this place is rough! Rougher than a dog wiping it's own arse with sandpaper. We should have stopped when we noticed the house opposite has BIG iron bars all over its windows. We risked our lives to bring you this review - thankfully it was a Sunday and the locals were in a friendly mood.
Ale - 3/5
Decor - 2/5 A lame affort at a refurb has left a slightly interesting colour-scheme. Great if you like loads of black and white photos of John Wayne!
Staff - 1/5 One slow old bird
Bogs - 3/5 Pissy but ok. Locks on doors.
TV - 0/5 A shitty old portable (in 2008?)
Age - 10-30 Rough and violent.
Local Nutter - Us for going there.
Never has the phrase "Dregs of society" been more appropriate. The part we were sitting in (which is usually shuttered off) had 15-year-old girls playing Snap! in one corner and 17-year-old lads mock-brawling in the other corner. A man on his mobile in the toilets was saying "If he was a man, he'd take his beating like a man...."
We also noticed that everyone in the place was wearing a little metal necklace. This is incase they try to leave the Miranda Road area and enter other pubs - the device starts beeping and if they don't return to the Victoria immediately, it explodes (just like in The Running Man and Kirkby Town Centre).
It has a pool table and a very decent jukebox but you should really only visit if you want to meet up with old friends from Walton Jail.
Overall Score - 2/10 Steer clear!
Ale - 3/5
Decor - 2/5 A lame affort at a refurb has left a slightly interesting colour-scheme. Great if you like loads of black and white photos of John Wayne!
Staff - 1/5 One slow old bird
Bogs - 3/5 Pissy but ok. Locks on doors.
TV - 0/5 A shitty old portable (in 2008?)
Age - 10-30 Rough and violent.
Local Nutter - Us for going there.
Never has the phrase "Dregs of society" been more appropriate. The part we were sitting in (which is usually shuttered off) had 15-year-old girls playing Snap! in one corner and 17-year-old lads mock-brawling in the other corner. A man on his mobile in the toilets was saying "If he was a man, he'd take his beating like a man...."
We also noticed that everyone in the place was wearing a little metal necklace. This is incase they try to leave the Miranda Road area and enter other pubs - the device starts beeping and if they don't return to the Victoria immediately, it explodes (just like in The Running Man and Kirkby Town Centre).
It has a pool table and a very decent jukebox but you should really only visit if you want to meet up with old friends from Walton Jail.
Overall Score - 2/10 Steer clear!
Swift's (Stanley Road)
It was a Sunday. The match had finished. We had nothing better to do. We decided to bite the bullet and go to Swifts. We went there so you don't have to!
Ale: 3/5 - pints tasted decent if a bit weak. They're only £1.70 though (£1.50 on weeknights) and all doubles are £2.00.
Toilets: 3/5 - Suprisingly good! Toilet seat, white bog-roll...but no lock on door.
TV's: "TV" to these people mean the square things in the bookies next door that show horses like 'Sad Ken' lose them their dole money.
Staff: consisted of 2 old birds and a mong running the karaoke.
Age: Underage kids 'round one side, old unemployables 'round the other.
Local Nutter: Shane who buys a pint of schlerps for 20p*
Decor: Traditional mankey old shite. The outside lights are fucked, two wall-lights have been interestingly wired together, a missing chandalier on the ceiling has left a LOT of dangling wires..... We seriously wonder whether this place has been N.I.C. tested.
Oh yeah, Regy was once threatened with a sword outside here too, so enter at you own own risk!
Total Stake - 3/10
*schlerps is all the dregs out of the trays
Ale: 3/5 - pints tasted decent if a bit weak. They're only £1.70 though (£1.50 on weeknights) and all doubles are £2.00.
Toilets: 3/5 - Suprisingly good! Toilet seat, white bog-roll...but no lock on door.
TV's: "TV" to these people mean the square things in the bookies next door that show horses like 'Sad Ken' lose them their dole money.
Staff: consisted of 2 old birds and a mong running the karaoke.
Age: Underage kids 'round one side, old unemployables 'round the other.
Local Nutter: Shane who buys a pint of schlerps for 20p*
Decor: Traditional mankey old shite. The outside lights are fucked, two wall-lights have been interestingly wired together, a missing chandalier on the ceiling has left a LOT of dangling wires..... We seriously wonder whether this place has been N.I.C. tested.
Oh yeah, Regy was once threatened with a sword outside here too, so enter at you own own risk!
Total Stake - 3/10
*schlerps is all the dregs out of the trays
Nina's (Millers Bridge/Dock Road
Question 1: You've driven your lorry all the way from Glasgow to the docks in Bootle. You've had your mouldy scran from the Stanley Foods takeaway and you fancy a bevvy and a perv....but you only have £6. Where should you go?
Answer: Nina's
Ale - bottles of lager £1 (Carlsberg). Pints are probably crap.
Bar Staff - Old birds who are "Amusingly abusive towards customers".
Toilets - Poor. Pissy floor, Swastika graffiti on walls, one brown cube of soap that looks like its been there for 2 months.
Decor - Grimey. Christmas lights still hang on the far wall.
TV's - One. Small. Has been known to show Gladiators with John Fashanu. AWOOGA!
Customers - Lorry drivers, groups of young lads in Reebok Classic, the old perv sitting on his own (there'll actually be a few of these)
Local Nutter - Julie from the mental hospital
Entertainment 5/5 - 50p pool, free jukebox, Strippers every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday*
*Stripper ettiquette*
DO's
- Pay attention to her performance (even if it's the one where she only gets her jugs out)
- Accept any friendly requests to remove cream from her nipple
- Applaude after a performance (even if you're the only one)
- Drop a tip into her glass (if she's cheeky enough to come begging and she catches you before you make it into the bogs)
DONT's
- Play pool during a performance (they just come and fuck with your game)
- Tell her it's your birthday (unless you want your kecks pulled down, your age written in cream on your cheeks and whipped off with a belt)
- Put a blindfold on (it'll be your mates arse hovering just above your face, not hers
- Repeatedly shout "Get yer moggy out!"
- Grab at said moggy everytime she comes near
Question 2: You're a bit pissed from your six bottles of Carlsberg. Should you drink-drive back to Glasgow tonight or kip in your lorry?
Answer: Neither. Stay the night at Nina's! Upstairs they have rooms (brothel).
Overall Score - 4/10
Answer: Nina's
Ale - bottles of lager £1 (Carlsberg). Pints are probably crap.
Bar Staff - Old birds who are "Amusingly abusive towards customers".
Toilets - Poor. Pissy floor, Swastika graffiti on walls, one brown cube of soap that looks like its been there for 2 months.
Decor - Grimey. Christmas lights still hang on the far wall.
TV's - One. Small. Has been known to show Gladiators with John Fashanu. AWOOGA!
Customers - Lorry drivers, groups of young lads in Reebok Classic, the old perv sitting on his own (there'll actually be a few of these)
Local Nutter - Julie from the mental hospital
Entertainment 5/5 - 50p pool, free jukebox, Strippers every Tuesday, Thursday and Friday*
*Stripper ettiquette*
DO's
- Pay attention to her performance (even if it's the one where she only gets her jugs out)
- Accept any friendly requests to remove cream from her nipple
- Applaude after a performance (even if you're the only one)
- Drop a tip into her glass (if she's cheeky enough to come begging and she catches you before you make it into the bogs)
DONT's
- Play pool during a performance (they just come and fuck with your game)
- Tell her it's your birthday (unless you want your kecks pulled down, your age written in cream on your cheeks and whipped off with a belt)
- Put a blindfold on (it'll be your mates arse hovering just above your face, not hers
- Repeatedly shout "Get yer moggy out!"
- Grab at said moggy everytime she comes near
Question 2: You're a bit pissed from your six bottles of Carlsberg. Should you drink-drive back to Glasgow tonight or kip in your lorry?
Answer: Neither. Stay the night at Nina's! Upstairs they have rooms (brothel).
Overall Score - 4/10
The Salisbury (Marsh Lane)
WHAT? You want a fight? I'll see you at 3:30 on the Solly Field! (school flashback)
Welcome to Marsh Lane. Welcome to The Solly. To enter you must navigate your way past some old bird standing outside drinking a pint of Guiness. The sign says "no dogs allowed" but she's obviously been served
TV's: 4/5 - 2 big screens and a few little 'uns. Dodgy footy channel.
Toilets: 1/5 - Large and yellow. 4 fellers were smoking a spliff in one cubicle.
Decor: 1.5/5 - General grotty pub ambience
Ale: 2/5 Stale tasting
Age: about 30
Staff: 3/5 No Pot Noodles but Very efficient
Local Nutters: 1. A bloke who has no tongue and cant talk 2. Meathead (Savio High Schools longest serving pupil (10 years at least)
I suppose this is a Local pub. If you're a local then you will like it. If you're not then maybe you'll feel uncomfortable. We weren't sure whether our car was safe outside but they have two cheap pool tables and decent ale so fuck your shit-break car. If you're tired on the way home, the OAP whose scooter is parked outside will give you a lift home if you ask nicely (and promise not to pull wheelies round The Estate)
Overall Score - 2/10
Welcome to Marsh Lane. Welcome to The Solly. To enter you must navigate your way past some old bird standing outside drinking a pint of Guiness. The sign says "no dogs allowed" but she's obviously been served
TV's: 4/5 - 2 big screens and a few little 'uns. Dodgy footy channel.
Toilets: 1/5 - Large and yellow. 4 fellers were smoking a spliff in one cubicle.
Decor: 1.5/5 - General grotty pub ambience
Ale: 2/5 Stale tasting
Age: about 30
Staff: 3/5 No Pot Noodles but Very efficient
Local Nutters: 1. A bloke who has no tongue and cant talk 2. Meathead (Savio High Schools longest serving pupil (10 years at least)
I suppose this is a Local pub. If you're a local then you will like it. If you're not then maybe you'll feel uncomfortable. We weren't sure whether our car was safe outside but they have two cheap pool tables and decent ale so fuck your shit-break car. If you're tired on the way home, the OAP whose scooter is parked outside will give you a lift home if you ask nicely (and promise not to pull wheelies round The Estate)
Overall Score - 2/10
Sullivans
Supposed to be a wine bar/nightclub... this place is a dive during the day... asking people to eat here when i wouldnt even piss there sometimes.
During the night its transformed into a club and its only visited when already drunk... full of scum.
Ale- Normal stuff nothing special 3/5
Bogs- 2/5 could not have a shit.. no way
Staff- A few pot noodles all ignorant though
Decor- dated now... needs another annual fire (insurance claim)
This place drags you down from being drunk to drunk and depressed...
Loads a chins... and angry ones at that...
Last time we visited one of us got so drunk he just got a taxi home without telling anyone and another one of us got bottled in the toilets...
Dont waste your money and effort... place is not worth a wank and its total SHIT!!!
Overall 3/10
During the night its transformed into a club and its only visited when already drunk... full of scum.
Ale- Normal stuff nothing special 3/5
Bogs- 2/5 could not have a shit.. no way
Staff- A few pot noodles all ignorant though
Decor- dated now... needs another annual fire (insurance claim)
This place drags you down from being drunk to drunk and depressed...
Loads a chins... and angry ones at that...
Last time we visited one of us got so drunk he just got a taxi home without telling anyone and another one of us got bottled in the toilets...
Dont waste your money and effort... place is not worth a wank and its total SHIT!!!
Overall 3/10
Jawbone Tavern
We were impressed by this pub when we went to review it. When we arrived they were playing Pink Floyd. Then Supertramp, The Police and Bob Marley followed it.
They have one of those jukeboxes with about 1,000,000 songs on it, which is good.
They also have nearly every match on for Liverpool and Everton, inside they have a LED display which displays all the up and coming matches (just like the NADSAQ).
They have a function room upstairs and a beer garden (yard) in the back.
On weekends they have a DJ who is fairly cheesy but you still have a good time in there, it does get busy in the night times on a weekend, so its a good place to go if you just want to stay local for a few drinks and a game of pool in the night.
Decor - Clean but boring, nothing good on walls or anything.
Bogs - 1.5/5 They have bog roll, piss all over the seat and no lock on the door so this requires the "90 degree surfboard method" as the door is on the side and not in front.
The sink is too close to the pisser so you feel like a tit washing your hands being back to back with someone having a piss.
Atmos - Good on weekends and friendly
Ale - 3/5
Staff - 4/5 very friendly, fast, occasionally pot noodles but there is one snotty boot with short back and sides that makes them lose a point.
TV's - 5/5 huge TV's everywhere! so it doesn't matter where you sit you still get a good view of the telly and they also have a big screen.
There is also a barman called billy who is a top tit... next time i see him im gonna light his shirt on fire and if he is lucky ill put it out with my piss...
Age - 20 - 50
Overall score
7/10
They have one of those jukeboxes with about 1,000,000 songs on it, which is good.
They also have nearly every match on for Liverpool and Everton, inside they have a LED display which displays all the up and coming matches (just like the NADSAQ).
They have a function room upstairs and a beer garden (yard) in the back.
On weekends they have a DJ who is fairly cheesy but you still have a good time in there, it does get busy in the night times on a weekend, so its a good place to go if you just want to stay local for a few drinks and a game of pool in the night.
Decor - Clean but boring, nothing good on walls or anything.
Bogs - 1.5/5 They have bog roll, piss all over the seat and no lock on the door so this requires the "90 degree surfboard method" as the door is on the side and not in front.
The sink is too close to the pisser so you feel like a tit washing your hands being back to back with someone having a piss.
Atmos - Good on weekends and friendly
Ale - 3/5
Staff - 4/5 very friendly, fast, occasionally pot noodles but there is one snotty boot with short back and sides that makes them lose a point.
TV's - 5/5 huge TV's everywhere! so it doesn't matter where you sit you still get a good view of the telly and they also have a big screen.
There is also a barman called billy who is a top tit... next time i see him im gonna light his shirt on fire and if he is lucky ill put it out with my piss...
Age - 20 - 50
Overall score
7/10
Hyper Bar (Stanley Road)
The Hyper Bar is a good little bar that is always busy, but this is also a problem. It is only tiny! and on a match day you can never move to get to the bar. It has a little beer garden which is quite good in the summer. The food is sound as well.
Smack heads and old piss heads are never to be seen in here.
And they show two matches simultaneously which is good.
The Hyper is situated in the windiest part of Bootle (directly opposite the Triad)
Ale - 4/5 Bud, Coors and decent Carling on tap.
Staff - 3/5 Very Slow but pot noodles and are always friendly.
Bogs - 1/5 Very small, piss on floor, shady bog seat, stinks, no lock on door so surfboard method required.
Atmos - Quite good when its not fully packed
Age - 18 - 60
TV - Very good. TV's easy to see where ever you are sitting and plenty of them with a big screen.
Decor - Painted football players on ceiling, clean and tidy and modern.
Overall score
7/10
Smack heads and old piss heads are never to be seen in here.
And they show two matches simultaneously which is good.
The Hyper is situated in the windiest part of Bootle (directly opposite the Triad)
Ale - 4/5 Bud, Coors and decent Carling on tap.
Staff - 3/5 Very Slow but pot noodles and are always friendly.
Bogs - 1/5 Very small, piss on floor, shady bog seat, stinks, no lock on door so surfboard method required.
Atmos - Quite good when its not fully packed
Age - 18 - 60
TV - Very good. TV's easy to see where ever you are sitting and plenty of them with a big screen.
Decor - Painted football players on ceiling, clean and tidy and modern.
Overall score
7/10
Cat and Fiddle (Stanley Road)
The Cat and Fiddle is a good place to watch the match, as they have 3 TV's and a Big screen, sometimes show 2 matches simultaneously and its never chocker 'easy to get a seat'.
Not so long ago they started getting bands (and poets) in on Thursday nights to try and attract more punters, but failed. (A good idea but would have been better if it was on a weekend)
The one thing about the Cat that really pisses us off is the selection of ale.
They don't sell Carling but they serve Touborg. What is this all about? I did try the Touborg a few weeks before we went in to review the pub. I was shitting through an orifice for a week solid or may i say runny.
Atmos - Like a morgue at times. But not too bad on match days and its friendly.
Ale - 3/5 Everything is average apart from the Touborg (shit) and Erdinger (fantastic)
Toilets - 2/5 They did have bog roll and they did have a lock on the door, but they also had flies, pissy floor and a strange contraption on the ceiling that makes a scary noise. Surfboard method not required.... just the "squatter".
Decor - 2.5/5 Clean but boring.
Staff - 4/5 Fast friendly and sometimes 'pot noodles'
TV's - 2.5/5 as I said 3 TV's and a big screen.
Overall score
4/10
'Pot Noodles' means tasty woman that you can later have a wank over whilst eating your pot noodle.
Surfboard technique is what it says on the tin... You have to pretend that you're riding a surfboard to have a shit on the bog without touching the seat and keeping the door closed at the same time (if no locks on door). [photo's available - just ask!]
Not so long ago they started getting bands (and poets) in on Thursday nights to try and attract more punters, but failed. (A good idea but would have been better if it was on a weekend)
The one thing about the Cat that really pisses us off is the selection of ale.
They don't sell Carling but they serve Touborg. What is this all about? I did try the Touborg a few weeks before we went in to review the pub. I was shitting through an orifice for a week solid or may i say runny.
Atmos - Like a morgue at times. But not too bad on match days and its friendly.
Ale - 3/5 Everything is average apart from the Touborg (shit) and Erdinger (fantastic)
Toilets - 2/5 They did have bog roll and they did have a lock on the door, but they also had flies, pissy floor and a strange contraption on the ceiling that makes a scary noise. Surfboard method not required.... just the "squatter".
Decor - 2.5/5 Clean but boring.
Staff - 4/5 Fast friendly and sometimes 'pot noodles'
TV's - 2.5/5 as I said 3 TV's and a big screen.
Overall score
4/10
'Pot Noodles' means tasty woman that you can later have a wank over whilst eating your pot noodle.
Surfboard technique is what it says on the tin... You have to pretend that you're riding a surfboard to have a shit on the bog without touching the seat and keeping the door closed at the same time (if no locks on door). [photo's available - just ask!]
The Wharf (Irlam Road) 7/1
The Wharf is an Everton pub and claims to show every Everton match. When we went, the game wasn't on any channel so everyone was sitting around quietly listening to the radio commentary. You might think this world create a lack of atmosphere.....and you'd be right. It's not the landlords fault that not even the blag internet channels are showing the game but we have to reveiw on what we see....
Decor: 2/5 - Not bad actually.....
Ale: 2/5 - made Regy feel a bit ill
Toilets: large clear windowns on cubicle doors make having a dump nigh on impossible
Atmosphere: Relaxed/Coma (probably good for EFC match)
They play Liverpool games too so it's worth visiting to watch footie on their big screen and 2 tellys.
Also, PADDY ELVIS on Friday nights....
Overall 3/10
Decor: 2/5 - Not bad actually.....
Ale: 2/5 - made Regy feel a bit ill
Toilets: large clear windowns on cubicle doors make having a dump nigh on impossible
Atmosphere: Relaxed/Coma (probably good for EFC match)
They play Liverpool games too so it's worth visiting to watch footie on their big screen and 2 tellys.
Also, PADDY ELVIS on Friday nights....
Overall 3/10
The Kingies (Litherland Rd.) 6/1
The Kingies is a nice big pub, it was really empty when we arrived we stayed a few hours and it was still empty when we left. on a Saturday night I might add..
Ale: 3/5 - loved the double JD's
Decor: 3/5 - clean and tidy
Staff: there was one old ropey bird on all night.
Toilets: 2/5 - I reckon you could probably have a shit there... when drying hands with the automatic hand dryer... it fell off the wall.
Local nutter: - take your pick
50p Pool cant argue
Overall 5/10
Ale: 3/5 - loved the double JD's
Decor: 3/5 - clean and tidy
Staff: there was one old ropey bird on all night.
Toilets: 2/5 - I reckon you could probably have a shit there... when drying hands with the automatic hand dryer... it fell off the wall.
Local nutter: - take your pick
50p Pool cant argue
Overall 5/10
Wyndham Hotel (Oriel Road)
Dodgy little old man/smackhead boozer?? you're about to find out!!
Decor- 2/5 dated.
Bar Staff- 3/5 no pot noodles.
Ale- 3/5
Atmos- Full of space cadets
Tv- 2/5 they have big screen which can only be seen by hurting neck
Toilets- 3/5 cleanish, written on bog door is "fuck merseyside police". Not a great start.
Pool table had no white
Strippers on fridays. wahey the lads...
Fly hovering over pints.
Overall: 3.5/10
Decor- 2/5 dated.
Bar Staff- 3/5 no pot noodles.
Ale- 3/5
Atmos- Full of space cadets
Tv- 2/5 they have big screen which can only be seen by hurting neck
Toilets- 3/5 cleanish, written on bog door is "fuck merseyside police". Not a great start.
Pool table had no white
Strippers on fridays. wahey the lads...
Fly hovering over pints.
Overall: 3.5/10
The Mayflower (Bootle Strand)
This place is situated under the Strand... and the entrance always stinks of piss...
Decor- 3/5 Mixture of 70's and 90's. someone needs reminding its 2008!!!
Staff- 1/5 Shit. waited long time to get served when the place was empty
Tv- 3/5 Lots of tellys, and they have Sky, but is it legit with being so close to marshlane estate, knockoff capital of the world?
Av age- 40+
Atmosphere- quiet and friendly
Ale- 2.5/5
Toilets- 3/5 piss on the floor... BUY A FUCKING MOP YOU LAZY SCUMBAGS
Comfy Seats
Local Nutter- Meathead
Music was shit 50's western crap
Overall 4/10
Decor- 3/5 Mixture of 70's and 90's. someone needs reminding its 2008!!!
Staff- 1/5 Shit. waited long time to get served when the place was empty
Tv- 3/5 Lots of tellys, and they have Sky, but is it legit with being so close to marshlane estate, knockoff capital of the world?
Av age- 40+
Atmosphere- quiet and friendly
Ale- 2.5/5
Toilets- 3/5 piss on the floor... BUY A FUCKING MOP YOU LAZY SCUMBAGS
Comfy Seats
Local Nutter- Meathead
Music was shit 50's western crap
Overall 4/10
The Star (Bootle Strand) (6/1)
We weren't looking forward to this one, I cant understand how its still running being so small and scruffy...There was a local idiot singing "How much is that doggy in the window" (baldy twat)
Staff- Helpful but ugly. So far removed from a pot noodle might as well be a pot mash.
Ale- 3/5 No Carling
Tv- 2.5/5 No big screen, just loads a small old clapped out tellys
Decor- 1/5 16th century haha 7 different varietys of stools... looks like its all come from Banardos
Toilets- 1/5 surfboard essential, tiles falling off, proper minty, I wouldnt let a dog shit there.
There was a nail sticking through the seat that I sat on... not impressed
And a dress code on a weekend ... Cheeky bastards..
Overall 2/10
Staff- Helpful but ugly. So far removed from a pot noodle might as well be a pot mash.
Ale- 3/5 No Carling
Tv- 2.5/5 No big screen, just loads a small old clapped out tellys
Decor- 1/5 16th century haha 7 different varietys of stools... looks like its all come from Banardos
Toilets- 1/5 surfboard essential, tiles falling off, proper minty, I wouldnt let a dog shit there.
There was a nail sticking through the seat that I sat on... not impressed
And a dress code on a weekend ... Cheeky bastards..
Overall 2/10
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